An advice...

Your unprecedented silence could become your biggest weapon.
At the same time, it could also turn out to be the biggest cause of your destruction.

[ update: This post was not my contribution. The originator is unaware of this blog, and I conveniently "forgot" to credit him for the same, at the time of posting this :) ]

Do you know ?

Every decision that you make in life, every step that you take, do you know for sure, whether you are moving forward or going backward ?
How did you decide your reference ?
And then again, wasn't that reference biased by any another reference ?

Or even worse, do all those decisions and choices, ultimately end up only as, being a part of a strange loop ?
I do not know.

Then, why ask these questions in the first place ?
I do not know that, as well.

Revelation

Last week, saw the revival of my affinity towards Hindustani music. For reasons unknown, the interest in the same had gradually waned, after college. But then, S, a new found friend at office, showed keen interest in it and so, I got a few songs from her collection. From then on, I've been listening to some real gems, and was only cursing myself for having neglected this form of music totally. And now, I just don't enjoy the conventional "popular" songs anymore. They all seem so hollow in comparison to the divine abstraction that Hindustani offers. It has elevated me as a music listener, to another level by itself.

Sample some of these melodies that I've been captivated with, for the last few days.

1. Hariprasad Chaurasia -Raag Hansdhwani : A beautiful rendition of vatapi.. followed by an awesome jugalbandi between tabla and flute towards the end.
2. Naarayani-Jasraj
3. Malhaar-Jasraj
4. Sanjoy_Bandopadhyay- Husseini Kanada (Sitar)
5. Sanjoy_Bandopadhyay-Anandi-Kalyan
6. Sanjoy_Bandopadhyay-Kafi_Thumri
7. Sanjoy_Bandopadhyay-Sohini
8. Jayateerth_Mevundi-Raga_Kedar...

Add to that, a lot of other semi-classical fusion songs which were enthralling to say. Now, if you are thinking that I could distinguish between all those ragas mentioned here, you are mistaken. I could know what they are, only because they were explicit in the file-names of the songs themselves :-). That, is another regret that I have. My ear not being "intelligent" enough to discern the various ragas and talas. I probably will relish the music more, if I can do that.

Next step would be, to add to the list of songs. And I know where exactly to do that !

Irony

Calmness personified on the outside.
A violent sea of mood swings on the inside.

Preaching fearlessness to others.
Possessing the heart of a sheep.

Apparent role model to many.
Never hated anyone, as much as self.

One hundred percent sure about others' success.
Equally sure about self's failure.

Giving into spirituality.
Giving into lust as well.

Considering oneself to be an introvert.
Publishing some of the innermost held secrets/private incidents on a public blog.

Finally,
A forty minute jog/walk at Lalbagh.
Followed by idly-vada + masala dosa + chow-chow bath, at Vidyarthi Bhavan.

p.s I: No wonder then, opposites are known to attract each other so strongly.

p.s II: Whoever said, that all these things are about me (If you thought so, that is) ?

... And life

What is it about life, that so very much, glorifies the beauty of everything. Including, death itself ?

p.s: This one was triggered by this comment on the earlier post.
However, to make it clear, it is here more because it acts a 'complement' to the earlier one, than because I believe in it.

Death...

What is it about death, that so very much, glorifies the futility of everything. Including, life itself ?

Hello World !

Its been a long time now. More than six months since I wrote anything here. Actually, never felt the need to. Not that I have anything interesting now, either. It was just the urge to write something, thats all. Been a rather dull six months till now. No development in any sense. My mind, having become a strife-torn minefield. Where, you have done enough, even if you manage to barely survive. Development and innovation is the last thing that comes to mind. Alright alright, I am not out here to bore you with anymore of my cribbing.
Am expecting some changes on the professional front, and, hopefully for the better.
And an apology to all friends, with whom, I have not cared enough to stay in touch.

IMA

He: "No Ego, No Fear".

I: Is it "No Ego, so, No fear" or "No Ego, and, No fear" ?

He: I think its the first one.

I: But it could also be the second one. After all, ego is not the only source of fear.

He: Yes, it could be...

My First Post

Ok, so I had to come down here to make things lighter, after the melodrama Krishna created, in the last couple of posts. Before I forget, he wants to convey a BIG 'thank-you' to all of you, for your wishes/prayers/calls/messages. They mean a lot to him. He is quite ok now, and well on the road to 'recovery'. But did you guys read his last two posts. Seeing the comments, I gather that you must have. I mean, I like read it recently and was stupefied. After reading, I thought someone was dead. Worse, I thought he was dead !!!
And when I came to know what had actually happened, I was like rolling on the floor, laughing.(Whats that, you people use to convey this, ROTFL ??)
Kids, these days, I tell you. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. Yeah right, I know what happened was not very pleasant, but I thought he over-reacted. Especially, after having seen him handle far tougher things, much more strongly. But yes, I know he is a nice guy and thats what I have been trying to convince him.That, ultimately nice things do happen to nice people. I can see that the wounds are healing, but I also see them leaving a few scars.

As I write this, he is interrupting me. Seems that he wants to clarify one more thing. His intention of writing the previous posts was not to make anyone feel guilty/sorry for the turn of events. He is trying to realize that no one (not even he) was responsible for whatever happened.
I see him going back into "Freedom at Midnight", which he started reading today.
Finally, a thank-you from my behalf too, for all your concerns. I am sure, with my support, he should be fine pretty soon.

Oh, if you are still wondering who I am, I am the soul behind that nice guy :-).
(I think, now you get the title behind this post).

PS: In trying to counsel Krishna, I found out something that he might find useful, at times of desperation. Putting it here for his reference.

WHATEVER HAS HAPPENED
IS FOR GOOD
WHATEVER IS HAPPENING
IS GOING ON WELL
WHATEVER WILL HAPPEN
THAT WILL ALSO BE GOOD

WHY YOU ARE REPENTING
FOR WHATEVER YOU HAVE LOST?
HAVE YOU BROUGHT ANYTHING WITH
YOU WHICH YOU HAVE LOST?

HAVE YOU PRODUCED ANY THING
THAT IS DESTROYED?
WHATEVER YOU HAVE GAINED,
YOU OBTAINED FROM HERE
WHATEVER YOU GAVE
YOU HAVE GIVEN HERE

WHATEVER BELONGS TO YOU TODAY
YESTERDAY BELONGED TO SOME ONE.
IT MAY BELONG TO SOMEONE DAY AFTER

“CHANGE IS THE RULE OF NATURE”
- His Namesake

Prayer

Five long years. Yes, for more than five years, I believed in something so strongly. And today, all of it came crashing down. Just like that. I am still trying to find myself, under the debris of my bruised soul, amongst other things. And then, theres none to blame too. Why does life have to make its lessons so hard ? As of now, all I see is darkness around me. A sense of falling into a bottomless pit.
My only lifeline is my faith in god. But no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to get a grip of the rope.I try to pray. Pray for a miracle. That somehow, I hold on to something before things go out of hand. I know, I have a long way to go in life and this is just one of those things. Sadly, there is a lot of difference between knowing something and experiencing it. Suddenly, the past is haunting and the future looks intimidating.And present, you ask, now whats that ?
I always thought I was strong enough to handle this, but then, whats life, if it doesn't give you a shock when you least expect it :).

If you can, please pray for me. Pray that I come back into light, into life, again.

All Along

All along, I thought I was walking on a path strewn with roses.
Today, I realized it was a maze of thorns I was treading on.

All along, I thought the sky was beckoning me.
Today, I realized it was the vacuum underneath, sucking me inside.

All along, I thought it was the silent sea, on my side.
Today, I realized they were the deathly waves threatening to wash me away.

All along, I thought they were the twinkling stars at night.
Today, I realized they were the evil eyes of the satan mocking at my life.

Ah, the illusions, and the pain they bring along...

It was 10.30 in the night.He stood leaning against the grilled wall of a park, opposite to the restaurant.Appropriately dressed for the mild winter, he had a faded cap and a jaded looking sweater on him. What seemed to be a plastic bag, hung slanted across his shoulder. As I came out of the restaurant, I saw him delicately blowing the cool air into the 'blower'. As soon as he did that, tens of tiny soap bubbles floated into the air, rising slowly, and gradually vanished into nothingness, one by one.
I was then reminded of this 'indigenous' toy, that we as kids used to make at home, using lots of soap and water.It was fun then, to simply blow air and watch lots of miniature bubbles coming out of the 'blower'. There used to be a competition as to who could generate the maximum, even if it meant, inadvertently swallowing some of the acerbic soap water.

As I was watching him, he kept repeating the procedure. Blow air, watch the bubbles rise in air, disappear, then blow again. Though, what intrigued me was, his absolute indifference to the fact that no one was interested in buying or even watching his act. All he seemed to be interested was, in simply watching the bubbles appear and disappear. Karma yoga in practice, or sheer hopelessness, I failed to make out. But I decided that I had to buy one of those from him. I went to him and asked for the price of one. With an enigmatic smile, he replied "hattu rupayee saar".As I bought one and returned back, I saw him indulging in the same act again, with the same callousness - Blow, watch and blow...
Amidst the chilling winds of the night, for reasons that I cannot describe, I felt small, in front of him and the tiny soap bubbles.

Chicken and Egg

Is (repeated) failure, the cause, or the effect of a lack of self-belief ?

Or, are they totally independent ?

Or, do they a form a vicious circle ?
If yes, how do you break it ?

25 not out, well just

Ok, so today is my 25th birthday. What big achievement in that you might ask ? Quite right, not an achievement in any sense. But as D remarked yesterday, an important milestone in the sense that it marks almost fifty percent of a lifetime.(According to her, we live only till around 60.Am not quite sure about that though).

So, what have I done special in this time ?

- I have not scored 41 ODI centuries

- I am not a chess grandmaster

- I haven't won the "young scientist of the year " award.

- I haven't been nominated for the booker prize.

- I don't have a Master's degree (Which is like, the norm these days)

- I don't have a patent to my name (But very proud of josh who does.)
(ps: Sam, I had written this even before you came.Brilliant coincidence that you actually came)

There you see, I actually haven't "achieved" anything as such (Of course, the above list is not exhaustive and only indicative, just so that you get the drift).

But yes, I would like to think that, over the years, I have provided moments of joy and pleasure, at least to a limited set of people, comprising mostly of my parents, a lovely sister and a few good friends.And for me, that qualifies as some achievement.
Only, there is one big regret that, personally I haven't 'enjoyed' the journey so far in the real sense. This is one anamoly, I would love to correct as the next phase in life begins.

And how was my day like ?
- Lots of wishes throughout the day, from people who really matter in my life.

- Thanks to a colleague, an expanded set of people at office got to know about the day. But felt a little uncomfortable with the extra attention.

- Left early, only to get stuck in a terrible jam.

- Cut a small blackforest cake. Yes, I am 25. So ?
(At this moment, josh made a totally unexpected arrival which was thrilling to say).

As I write this, its raining like its never done before.I take it, as a blessing from the heavens.
Yeah alright, I know its the rainy season, but there is nothing wrong in being a little self-centered on your birthday, is it ?

Of teachers and their methods

I have been reading Swami Vivekananda's articles and teachings for close to six years now. And I am in complete awe of the swami. His fearlessness, freedom in action and thought are remarkable.Everything about him truly suggests a manifestation of god.His fervent calls to the youth appealing to remain strong, fearless and to express the inherent divinity, have always been inspiring.I have relished most of his thoughts and ideas, and always felt he was the ultimate teacher.
Until recently that is. Upon a reflection of the recent past, I have come to realize that, with his teachings there was a pressure to 'perform', if I may say so.Things like assuming total responsiblity for one' s destiny, strength even in crisis, asserting one's divinity (and many others) were difficult 'tests'(atleast for me), failing which, induced a guilt feeling. And when you respect someone so much, failing his teachings feels as bad as failing the person himself.

I really don't know why, but all these days I never got down to reading the gospel of the teacher's teacher himself - Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa.But I am glad I did it now. There is so much solace in his teachings.Not that they are any easier than the Swamiji's, but they are more 'in-sync' with my personal beliefs regarding many of the things in life. I am not saying that I have found complete peace of mind now.I still have my moments/days of doubt and anxiety, but amidst all these, there is a sense of calmness, once I begin to understand the source of such trepidations.

I am not out to say that swamiji's teachings are inferior to the master's or that they have counter productive effects.Its just that like so many things in life - some suit your personality, some don't, the same is with teaching.You have to choose what best suits you.

For me, I think I've found the ultimate teacher.

Heights

In tune with last week's trend, the distorted sleeping pattern continues this week too.Keep waking up at 5.30, no matter how late I sleep - even as late 12-12.30.And for someone who needs to sleep at least eight hours, this is definitely troublesome.Today was one such day again.And in one of those half sleep-half awake states, this thought actually crossed my mind as one of the serious options -
"Sh*t, I should set the waking time to 6.30 and recompile the code, so that this does not repeat tomorrow".

What, is happening to me ?

Simply Don't Understand

Why do always, only men have to propose

Now, don't rack your brains trying to read in between the lines, err, words. (There's only one line there).That, is simply one of the countless inane thoughts, I am getting these days.There is nothing 'interesting' of that sort happening in life.
On the contrary, my mind is in a complete mess over most things in life - future,career, ambition (or the lack of it) and so forth.Have been sleep deprived for the past couple of days, and have been experiencing atrocious mood-swings, of late.Maybe I should go see a lawyer.No.A carpenter, no wait.Ah yes, a doctor, thats him.There, you get a gist of what I going through.I just want to forget everything, pack my bags and go on a month-long road trip all alone,I don't know to where.

On second thoughts, you may rack your brains.

Just like that

"People in glass houses should not throw stones at other's houses", she remarked.
He built a brick wall around.

On other things, in my opinion, the biggest tragedy that can strike a man in his lifetime is, his own inability to understand what he truly wants from life.
What else can be more painful, than seeing a man struggle all his life, even to find out where he wants to head to.
Thats why, I envy people like these and these ;
and each such person, who is fortunate enough to be able to listen to his heart, and has the courage to follow what it says.

Do you know, what you want in life ?

Learnings

My month long trip outside India has enlightened me on the following accounts.

- I cannot survive outside India for a long time.

- I realized how weak I am,mentally(This was the most critical learning of this sojourn.Need to reflect a lot on this, if I am to get anywhere forward in life).

-There are a lot of backstabbers around.Be careful henceforth, when dealing with people.

-When things go wrong,and the buck (wrongly) stops at you, find someone else to pass it to.

-Be a loudmouth.Silence and fear have no place here.And modesty, is not always a virtue.

-And finally, jet lag is very annoying (Writing this at 3am is a testimony to the same).

Self obit

Came across this a couple of days back.
The article talks about some companies asking you to write a self-obituary as a part of evaluating you, before hiring.

The author writes,
"And there are two sets of perceptions at play in all our lives. One is what we feel about ourselves, our lives, achievements and failures. And the second is what the outside world thinks of us...
..A self-obituary makes you sit up, think of all that you have done and not done. Makes you look at yourself as someone else would, when you are no more."

Personally, I am not very sure if this method will really achieve what it is supposed to.The basic problem with this approach, being the assumption that the person is successfully capable of looking at himself from an outsider's perspective.When you say, you are writing about what the outside world thinks of you, its still more of what you think the outside world thinks about you.It may not necessarily synchronise with actual perception of an outsider.
And thats where I feel,it falters in achieving the desired results.

Notwithstanding the (in)effectiveness of the method, I proceed to write my own obituary like this -
" He was a confused soul all his life (His blog is a testimony to that).
Thoroughout, he was puzzled as to what he actually wanted from life.But for his laziness, he could have scaled greater heights.Complacency was his biggest enemy.
A perfectionist, this quality of his, caused some annoyance to others around him.
Money was the last thing on his wish-list.
As a person, he was slightly the reserved kind and took some time to get along with people.But once he did, he sure was good company to have around.

Now that he is gone, the small world around him has lost a gem from its crown.(I loved this part :-) ).

May his soul rest in peace ! "

I am curious to know, as to what others would actually write in my obituary.

ps: The difficulty I found while writing the self-obituary confirmes the ineffectiveness of the method.
Strange companies and stranger recruitment policies..