ಚಂಚಲತೆ

ಅರಿವಾಯಿತು ಈ ಸತ್ಯ ನನಗಂದು,
ಅದೆಷ್ಟು ಚಂಚಲವು ಮನಸ್ಸೆಂದು.
ಸೆಳೆಯಿತು ಈ ಕ್ಷಣ, ಆ ಮಾಯಾ ಜಿಂಕೆಯ ಆಕರ್ಷಣ,
ಕಂಡು ಮರಣವ ಒಂದು, ತುಡಿಯಿತು ಮನವು ಮರು ಕ್ಷಣ.

ಕಿರು ಹೆಜ್ಜೆಗಳ ಹಾಕುತ್ತಾ, ಸಾಗಿ ಬಂದೆ ಬಾಳ ಪಥದಿ,
ದಾಟುತ್ತಾ, ನೂರೆಂಟು ಕವಲುದಾರಿಗಳ - ಪ್ರತಿ ಹಂತದಿ.
"ಈ ದಾರಿಯೊ, ಆ ದಾರಿಯೊ", ದುಗುಡ, ಸಂಶಯ ಸದಾ,
ಕಳೆದು ನಿಂತ ಮಾರ್ಗವೇ ಉತ್ತಮ, ಎಂಬ ಮನಸ್ಸಿನ ವಿವಾದ.

ಬಲಿಯಾಗದೆ ಭಾವೋದ್ರೇಕದ ಬಿರುಗಾಳಿಗೆ, ಕಾಪಾಡಿಕೊ ನೀನು ನಿನ್ನ,
"ಎಚ್ಚತ್ತು!", ಓ ಮೂಢ ಮನಸ್ಸೆ, ಭಾವನೆಗಳು ಧೃಡವಾಗಿ ಬೇರೂರುವ ಮುನ್ನ.
"ಕತ್ತಲು, ಕತ್ತಲು", ಏತಕೀ ಆರ್ತನಾದ ?
ಅಗೋ ಕಂಡಿತು ಬೆಳಕು - ನಿನ್ನ, ಪರಮಾತ್ಮನ ಸಂವಾದ.

ಅರಿವಾಯಿತು ಈ ಸತ್ಯ ನನಗಂದು,
ಅದೆಷ್ಟು ಚಂಚಲವು ಮನಸ್ಸೆಂದು.
ಆಗಬಾರದೇಕೆ, ಈ ಬದುಕಿನ ಗುರಿ - ಆ ಮನಸ್ಥಿರತೆ ?
ತಿಳಿಗೊಂಡ ಚಂಚಲತೆ, ಅಹುದು - ಅದೆ ಜೀವನದ ಸಾರ್ಥಕತೆ !

[My first attempt at kannada poetry. And, I realized how difficult it is. Please, to pardon any grammatical/'spelling' mistakes :).]

I... I See

I1 - "Question1 - ...".

Sc - "Hmm... Answer1 - ...".

I1 - "Well, I would say that was a "canned" response. I wanted you to think out of the box".

I2 (Turning towards I1) - "Oh, I guess you mean, think out the "can" ? Hehehe..."

Sc - Staring and gazing around, with a blank expression.

[I1 - Interviewer1, I2 - Interviewer2, Sc - Student candidate]

This, is humor at one of India's (actually the world's) premier research institutes.
And, I thank this person for sharing the same !

[p.s : This post is also a tribute to the brilliant faculty and students there, and to the spirit of the institute itself]

Deja Vu

Life, at times, can seem like a treadmill.
No matter how fast you run, you also know for sure, that you are not getting anywhere actually !

What else ?

When you can no longer feel their pain.
When you cease to share their joys, and have none of your own.
When you are no longer a part of their lives.
When you have lost all your rights on them.
When "us", is all about "me".

What else is all this, but death ?
Death is not just a physical phenomenon. Its an idea. A behavior. A thought too. Yes, death is not just physical...

Epiphany

I better discover that thing which keeps my soul truly at peace. Something, that gives me a sense of purpose. Soon.
Else, there is the grave danger, that I might disintegrate. Very rapidly.

I continue to wait for the epiphany.

Those days...

... When there was no fear, or pain of losing your loved ones.

... When there was neither the past, nor the future. But only the present.

... When "success" mattered very little.

... When you met your friends daily, and didn't have to wait till both of you were "free".

... When you got a summer vacation of at least two months in an year.

... When "games", meant, you played things like cricket and carom. And not, "office politics".

... When all you thought was, about nothing.

... When you argued with your teacher for that one mark, that would get you in the top three. And not with your boss, for that extra increment.

... When you fought with your friend, insisting that you were not "run-out", and that he was only cheating.

... When you didn't need a blog to vent out your frustrations, because you didn't have any.

... When you had no notion of a "self-image", and everything under the sun was possible.

... When you never got nostalgic about "those days", that no longer were.

Was it the innocence, or the ignorance then, I fail to make out. But truly, those were the best days of my life...

A Vision !

Today as I was traveling back home in the bus, I was in one of those half-asleep states. I then "saw" a monk. He was in ocher robes and had a tonsured head. And guess what ? He had exactly my face !!! (Minus the glasses though. I wonder why :) ? ). This probably lasted for only about two seconds, when I suddenly "woke" up. All I managed to do then was, look outside, and steal myself a sheepish smile. Oh, nothing to worry, I am not out to renounce the world ! Am so badly entangled in the worldly web, even to do that. Moreover, whatever limited "spirituality" that I am aware of, I know only at a theoretical level. None of which, I've been capable enough to apply in real life.Yet. I know I was hallucinating. Nonetheless, just like this new vodafone ad, thought it was an experience, interesting enough, to "tell the whole world" !

Grass

Holding the earth in its place !

Grass's is the forgiveness of nature.
Her constant benediction.
Trees may be fell and flowers plucked.
But it is through these strands, that she speaks to us !!!
- On a signboard in a park, as seen by a friend.

[Photo caption idea - G, a colleague]

A disturbing trend

Every time, a friend climbs one more step on the ladder of "success", I feel I am drawn ten steps away from him/her. No no, it has got nothing to do with his behavioral changes. Rather, its more due to my reaction towards that success. I am not even sure if its my own insecurities manifesting themselves as jealousy. But I am scared that, most of the times, that is verily the case. And the people I am taking about here, are those, whom I consider to be an "extension" of my own self. Those, to whom, I feel "connected" at a finer level. Which, makes it all the more disturbing. This trend, I know, is so very wrong.

And why am I being so candid about it, here ? That's because I want them to know. I want them to know of my true feelings. Though it does little good in totally eliminating, it does help to some extent, in alleviating the guilt factor. And to add to the hopelessness, I am not even sure on how to reverse this disturbing trend. All I can say as of now, is that I am truly sorry.

To end the post on a slightly better note, I've been listening to this song by Pandit [Rajan and Sajan Mishra], the whole of today. And it is undoubtedly, one of the beautiful, beautiful, prayer compositions I've ever heard. So much, that I went to a durga temple after office :).
(Select "Raaga Durga" among the list of songs).

An advice...

Your unprecedented silence could become your biggest weapon.
At the same time, it could also turn out to be the biggest cause of your destruction.

[ update: This post was not my contribution. The originator is unaware of this blog, and I conveniently "forgot" to credit him for the same, at the time of posting this :) ]

Do you know ?

Every decision that you make in life, every step that you take, do you know for sure, whether you are moving forward or going backward ?
How did you decide your reference ?
And then again, wasn't that reference biased by any another reference ?

Or even worse, do all those decisions and choices, ultimately end up only as, being a part of a strange loop ?
I do not know.

Then, why ask these questions in the first place ?
I do not know that, as well.

Revelation

Last week, saw the revival of my affinity towards Hindustani music. For reasons unknown, the interest in the same had gradually waned, after college. But then, S, a new found friend at office, showed keen interest in it and so, I got a few songs from her collection. From then on, I've been listening to some real gems, and was only cursing myself for having neglected this form of music totally. And now, I just don't enjoy the conventional "popular" songs anymore. They all seem so hollow in comparison to the divine abstraction that Hindustani offers. It has elevated me as a music listener, to another level by itself.

Sample some of these melodies that I've been captivated with, for the last few days.

1. Hariprasad Chaurasia -Raag Hansdhwani : A beautiful rendition of vatapi.. followed by an awesome jugalbandi between tabla and flute towards the end.
2. Naarayani-Jasraj
3. Malhaar-Jasraj
4. Sanjoy_Bandopadhyay- Husseini Kanada (Sitar)
5. Sanjoy_Bandopadhyay-Anandi-Kalyan
6. Sanjoy_Bandopadhyay-Kafi_Thumri
7. Sanjoy_Bandopadhyay-Sohini
8. Jayateerth_Mevundi-Raga_Kedar...

Add to that, a lot of other semi-classical fusion songs which were enthralling to say. Now, if you are thinking that I could distinguish between all those ragas mentioned here, you are mistaken. I could know what they are, only because they were explicit in the file-names of the songs themselves :-). That, is another regret that I have. My ear not being "intelligent" enough to discern the various ragas and talas. I probably will relish the music more, if I can do that.

Next step would be, to add to the list of songs. And I know where exactly to do that !

Irony

Calmness personified on the outside.
A violent sea of mood swings on the inside.

Preaching fearlessness to others.
Possessing the heart of a sheep.

Apparent role model to many.
Never hated anyone, as much as self.

One hundred percent sure about others' success.
Equally sure about self's failure.

Giving into spirituality.
Giving into lust as well.

Considering oneself to be an introvert.
Publishing some of the innermost held secrets/private incidents on a public blog.

Finally,
A forty minute jog/walk at Lalbagh.
Followed by idly-vada + masala dosa + chow-chow bath, at Vidyarthi Bhavan.

p.s I: No wonder then, opposites are known to attract each other so strongly.

p.s II: Whoever said, that all these things are about me (If you thought so, that is) ?

... And life

What is it about life, that so very much, glorifies the beauty of everything. Including, death itself ?

p.s: This one was triggered by this comment on the earlier post.
However, to make it clear, it is here more because it acts a 'complement' to the earlier one, than because I believe in it.

Death...

What is it about death, that so very much, glorifies the futility of everything. Including, life itself ?

Hello World !

Its been a long time now. More than six months since I wrote anything here. Actually, never felt the need to. Not that I have anything interesting now, either. It was just the urge to write something, thats all. Been a rather dull six months till now. No development in any sense. My mind, having become a strife-torn minefield. Where, you have done enough, even if you manage to barely survive. Development and innovation is the last thing that comes to mind. Alright alright, I am not out here to bore you with anymore of my cribbing.
Am expecting some changes on the professional front, and, hopefully for the better.
And an apology to all friends, with whom, I have not cared enough to stay in touch.

IMA

He: "No Ego, No Fear".

I: Is it "No Ego, so, No fear" or "No Ego, and, No fear" ?

He: I think its the first one.

I: But it could also be the second one. After all, ego is not the only source of fear.

He: Yes, it could be...

My First Post

Ok, so I had to come down here to make things lighter, after the melodrama Krishna created, in the last couple of posts. Before I forget, he wants to convey a BIG 'thank-you' to all of you, for your wishes/prayers/calls/messages. They mean a lot to him. He is quite ok now, and well on the road to 'recovery'. But did you guys read his last two posts. Seeing the comments, I gather that you must have. I mean, I like read it recently and was stupefied. After reading, I thought someone was dead. Worse, I thought he was dead !!!
And when I came to know what had actually happened, I was like rolling on the floor, laughing.(Whats that, you people use to convey this, ROTFL ??)
Kids, these days, I tell you. Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill. Yeah right, I know what happened was not very pleasant, but I thought he over-reacted. Especially, after having seen him handle far tougher things, much more strongly. But yes, I know he is a nice guy and thats what I have been trying to convince him.That, ultimately nice things do happen to nice people. I can see that the wounds are healing, but I also see them leaving a few scars.

As I write this, he is interrupting me. Seems that he wants to clarify one more thing. His intention of writing the previous posts was not to make anyone feel guilty/sorry for the turn of events. He is trying to realize that no one (not even he) was responsible for whatever happened.
I see him going back into "Freedom at Midnight", which he started reading today.
Finally, a thank-you from my behalf too, for all your concerns. I am sure, with my support, he should be fine pretty soon.

Oh, if you are still wondering who I am, I am the soul behind that nice guy :-).
(I think, now you get the title behind this post).

PS: In trying to counsel Krishna, I found out something that he might find useful, at times of desperation. Putting it here for his reference.

WHATEVER HAS HAPPENED
IS FOR GOOD
WHATEVER IS HAPPENING
IS GOING ON WELL
WHATEVER WILL HAPPEN
THAT WILL ALSO BE GOOD

WHY YOU ARE REPENTING
FOR WHATEVER YOU HAVE LOST?
HAVE YOU BROUGHT ANYTHING WITH
YOU WHICH YOU HAVE LOST?

HAVE YOU PRODUCED ANY THING
THAT IS DESTROYED?
WHATEVER YOU HAVE GAINED,
YOU OBTAINED FROM HERE
WHATEVER YOU GAVE
YOU HAVE GIVEN HERE

WHATEVER BELONGS TO YOU TODAY
YESTERDAY BELONGED TO SOME ONE.
IT MAY BELONG TO SOMEONE DAY AFTER

“CHANGE IS THE RULE OF NATURE”
- His Namesake

Prayer

Five long years. Yes, for more than five years, I believed in something so strongly. And today, all of it came crashing down. Just like that. I am still trying to find myself, under the debris of my bruised soul, amongst other things. And then, theres none to blame too. Why does life have to make its lessons so hard ? As of now, all I see is darkness around me. A sense of falling into a bottomless pit.
My only lifeline is my faith in god. But no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to get a grip of the rope.I try to pray. Pray for a miracle. That somehow, I hold on to something before things go out of hand. I know, I have a long way to go in life and this is just one of those things. Sadly, there is a lot of difference between knowing something and experiencing it. Suddenly, the past is haunting and the future looks intimidating.And present, you ask, now whats that ?
I always thought I was strong enough to handle this, but then, whats life, if it doesn't give you a shock when you least expect it :).

If you can, please pray for me. Pray that I come back into light, into life, again.

All Along

All along, I thought I was walking on a path strewn with roses.
Today, I realized it was a maze of thorns I was treading on.

All along, I thought the sky was beckoning me.
Today, I realized it was the vacuum underneath, sucking me inside.

All along, I thought it was the silent sea, on my side.
Today, I realized they were the deathly waves threatening to wash me away.

All along, I thought they were the twinkling stars at night.
Today, I realized they were the evil eyes of the satan mocking at my life.

Ah, the illusions, and the pain they bring along...