Of teachers and their methods

I have been reading Swami Vivekananda's articles and teachings for close to six years now. And I am in complete awe of the swami. His fearlessness, freedom in action and thought are remarkable.Everything about him truly suggests a manifestation of god.His fervent calls to the youth appealing to remain strong, fearless and to express the inherent divinity, have always been inspiring.I have relished most of his thoughts and ideas, and always felt he was the ultimate teacher.
Until recently that is. Upon a reflection of the recent past, I have come to realize that, with his teachings there was a pressure to 'perform', if I may say so.Things like assuming total responsiblity for one' s destiny, strength even in crisis, asserting one's divinity (and many others) were difficult 'tests'(atleast for me), failing which, induced a guilt feeling. And when you respect someone so much, failing his teachings feels as bad as failing the person himself.

I really don't know why, but all these days I never got down to reading the gospel of the teacher's teacher himself - Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa.But I am glad I did it now. There is so much solace in his teachings.Not that they are any easier than the Swamiji's, but they are more 'in-sync' with my personal beliefs regarding many of the things in life. I am not saying that I have found complete peace of mind now.I still have my moments/days of doubt and anxiety, but amidst all these, there is a sense of calmness, once I begin to understand the source of such trepidations.

I am not out to say that swamiji's teachings are inferior to the master's or that they have counter productive effects.Its just that like so many things in life - some suit your personality, some don't, the same is with teaching.You have to choose what best suits you.

For me, I think I've found the ultimate teacher.

Heights

In tune with last week's trend, the distorted sleeping pattern continues this week too.Keep waking up at 5.30, no matter how late I sleep - even as late 12-12.30.And for someone who needs to sleep at least eight hours, this is definitely troublesome.Today was one such day again.And in one of those half sleep-half awake states, this thought actually crossed my mind as one of the serious options -
"Sh*t, I should set the waking time to 6.30 and recompile the code, so that this does not repeat tomorrow".

What, is happening to me ?