It was 10.30 in the night.He stood leaning against the grilled wall of a park, opposite to the restaurant.Appropriately dressed for the mild winter, he had a faded cap and a jaded looking sweater on him. What seemed to be a plastic bag, hung slanted across his shoulder. As I came out of the restaurant, I saw him delicately blowing the cool air into the 'blower'. As soon as he did that, tens of tiny soap bubbles floated into the air, rising slowly, and gradually vanished into nothingness, one by one.
I was then reminded of this 'indigenous' toy, that we as kids used to make at home, using lots of soap and water.It was fun then, to simply blow air and watch lots of miniature bubbles coming out of the 'blower'. There used to be a competition as to who could generate the maximum, even if it meant, inadvertently swallowing some of the acerbic soap water.

As I was watching him, he kept repeating the procedure. Blow air, watch the bubbles rise in air, disappear, then blow again. Though, what intrigued me was, his absolute indifference to the fact that no one was interested in buying or even watching his act. All he seemed to be interested was, in simply watching the bubbles appear and disappear. Karma yoga in practice, or sheer hopelessness, I failed to make out. But I decided that I had to buy one of those from him. I went to him and asked for the price of one. With an enigmatic smile, he replied "hattu rupayee saar".As I bought one and returned back, I saw him indulging in the same act again, with the same callousness - Blow, watch and blow...
Amidst the chilling winds of the night, for reasons that I cannot describe, I felt small, in front of him and the tiny soap bubbles.

Chicken and Egg

Is (repeated) failure, the cause, or the effect of a lack of self-belief ?

Or, are they totally independent ?

Or, do they a form a vicious circle ?
If yes, how do you break it ?

25 not out, well just

Ok, so today is my 25th birthday. What big achievement in that you might ask ? Quite right, not an achievement in any sense. But as D remarked yesterday, an important milestone in the sense that it marks almost fifty percent of a lifetime.(According to her, we live only till around 60.Am not quite sure about that though).

So, what have I done special in this time ?

- I have not scored 41 ODI centuries

- I am not a chess grandmaster

- I haven't won the "young scientist of the year " award.

- I haven't been nominated for the booker prize.

- I don't have a Master's degree (Which is like, the norm these days)

- I don't have a patent to my name (But very proud of josh who does.)
(ps: Sam, I had written this even before you came.Brilliant coincidence that you actually came)

There you see, I actually haven't "achieved" anything as such (Of course, the above list is not exhaustive and only indicative, just so that you get the drift).

But yes, I would like to think that, over the years, I have provided moments of joy and pleasure, at least to a limited set of people, comprising mostly of my parents, a lovely sister and a few good friends.And for me, that qualifies as some achievement.
Only, there is one big regret that, personally I haven't 'enjoyed' the journey so far in the real sense. This is one anamoly, I would love to correct as the next phase in life begins.

And how was my day like ?
- Lots of wishes throughout the day, from people who really matter in my life.

- Thanks to a colleague, an expanded set of people at office got to know about the day. But felt a little uncomfortable with the extra attention.

- Left early, only to get stuck in a terrible jam.

- Cut a small blackforest cake. Yes, I am 25. So ?
(At this moment, josh made a totally unexpected arrival which was thrilling to say).

As I write this, its raining like its never done before.I take it, as a blessing from the heavens.
Yeah alright, I know its the rainy season, but there is nothing wrong in being a little self-centered on your birthday, is it ?

Of teachers and their methods

I have been reading Swami Vivekananda's articles and teachings for close to six years now. And I am in complete awe of the swami. His fearlessness, freedom in action and thought are remarkable.Everything about him truly suggests a manifestation of god.His fervent calls to the youth appealing to remain strong, fearless and to express the inherent divinity, have always been inspiring.I have relished most of his thoughts and ideas, and always felt he was the ultimate teacher.
Until recently that is. Upon a reflection of the recent past, I have come to realize that, with his teachings there was a pressure to 'perform', if I may say so.Things like assuming total responsiblity for one' s destiny, strength even in crisis, asserting one's divinity (and many others) were difficult 'tests'(atleast for me), failing which, induced a guilt feeling. And when you respect someone so much, failing his teachings feels as bad as failing the person himself.

I really don't know why, but all these days I never got down to reading the gospel of the teacher's teacher himself - Sri Ramakrishna Paramahamsa.But I am glad I did it now. There is so much solace in his teachings.Not that they are any easier than the Swamiji's, but they are more 'in-sync' with my personal beliefs regarding many of the things in life. I am not saying that I have found complete peace of mind now.I still have my moments/days of doubt and anxiety, but amidst all these, there is a sense of calmness, once I begin to understand the source of such trepidations.

I am not out to say that swamiji's teachings are inferior to the master's or that they have counter productive effects.Its just that like so many things in life - some suit your personality, some don't, the same is with teaching.You have to choose what best suits you.

For me, I think I've found the ultimate teacher.

Heights

In tune with last week's trend, the distorted sleeping pattern continues this week too.Keep waking up at 5.30, no matter how late I sleep - even as late 12-12.30.And for someone who needs to sleep at least eight hours, this is definitely troublesome.Today was one such day again.And in one of those half sleep-half awake states, this thought actually crossed my mind as one of the serious options -
"Sh*t, I should set the waking time to 6.30 and recompile the code, so that this does not repeat tomorrow".

What, is happening to me ?

Simply Don't Understand

Why do always, only men have to propose

Now, don't rack your brains trying to read in between the lines, err, words. (There's only one line there).That, is simply one of the countless inane thoughts, I am getting these days.There is nothing 'interesting' of that sort happening in life.
On the contrary, my mind is in a complete mess over most things in life - future,career, ambition (or the lack of it) and so forth.Have been sleep deprived for the past couple of days, and have been experiencing atrocious mood-swings, of late.Maybe I should go see a lawyer.No.A carpenter, no wait.Ah yes, a doctor, thats him.There, you get a gist of what I going through.I just want to forget everything, pack my bags and go on a month-long road trip all alone,I don't know to where.

On second thoughts, you may rack your brains.

Just like that

"People in glass houses should not throw stones at other's houses", she remarked.
He built a brick wall around.

On other things, in my opinion, the biggest tragedy that can strike a man in his lifetime is, his own inability to understand what he truly wants from life.
What else can be more painful, than seeing a man struggle all his life, even to find out where he wants to head to.
Thats why, I envy people like these and these ;
and each such person, who is fortunate enough to be able to listen to his heart, and has the courage to follow what it says.

Do you know, what you want in life ?

Learnings

My month long trip outside India has enlightened me on the following accounts.

- I cannot survive outside India for a long time.

- I realized how weak I am,mentally(This was the most critical learning of this sojourn.Need to reflect a lot on this, if I am to get anywhere forward in life).

-There are a lot of backstabbers around.Be careful henceforth, when dealing with people.

-When things go wrong,and the buck (wrongly) stops at you, find someone else to pass it to.

-Be a loudmouth.Silence and fear have no place here.And modesty, is not always a virtue.

-And finally, jet lag is very annoying (Writing this at 3am is a testimony to the same).

Self obit

Came across this a couple of days back.
The article talks about some companies asking you to write a self-obituary as a part of evaluating you, before hiring.

The author writes,
"And there are two sets of perceptions at play in all our lives. One is what we feel about ourselves, our lives, achievements and failures. And the second is what the outside world thinks of us...
..A self-obituary makes you sit up, think of all that you have done and not done. Makes you look at yourself as someone else would, when you are no more."

Personally, I am not very sure if this method will really achieve what it is supposed to.The basic problem with this approach, being the assumption that the person is successfully capable of looking at himself from an outsider's perspective.When you say, you are writing about what the outside world thinks of you, its still more of what you think the outside world thinks about you.It may not necessarily synchronise with actual perception of an outsider.
And thats where I feel,it falters in achieving the desired results.

Notwithstanding the (in)effectiveness of the method, I proceed to write my own obituary like this -
" He was a confused soul all his life (His blog is a testimony to that).
Thoroughout, he was puzzled as to what he actually wanted from life.But for his laziness, he could have scaled greater heights.Complacency was his biggest enemy.
A perfectionist, this quality of his, caused some annoyance to others around him.
Money was the last thing on his wish-list.
As a person, he was slightly the reserved kind and took some time to get along with people.But once he did, he sure was good company to have around.

Now that he is gone, the small world around him has lost a gem from its crown.(I loved this part :-) ).

May his soul rest in peace ! "

I am curious to know, as to what others would actually write in my obituary.

ps: The difficulty I found while writing the self-obituary confirmes the ineffectiveness of the method.
Strange companies and stranger recruitment policies..

Which one

There is this rather sad realization, that has dawned upon me of late - a nagging sense of under-achievement, that seems to be getting more and more pronounced these days.

Either, I am (ignorantly) expecting myself to do too much in the first place, or, am just not fufilling the cogent expectations that I have of myself (Due to reasons, I know not either).

Am not sure, which one.

Things to learn...

...from a highly energetic, extremely naughty, and a precocious two year old -

- Try to sleep as less as possible.After all, there are so many things to do, and so little time.
(If a two year old staying at home all day, can find so many innovative ways to pass time, am sure you can do much better. Or, maybe no.)

- Live in the present (Right, this a cliche (Right this a cliche (Right this a cliche.. (Ok, this is an infinite loop))))
(For him, 'present' has a granularity of exactly one second and not more)

- If you are curious about how things work at the elementary level, break them down to pieces.

(Doesn't matter if they cost a few hundred/thousand rupees.What matters is what you learn)

- Never ever, share your 'five-star' with anyone.(Yes, I mean anyone)

- Its good to cry once in a while.
(Especially, if you want your parents to agree with your point of view)

- Treat everyone the same
(He recently adressed a dishelved, dressed-in-rags tramp in a temple, as 'uncle'.The same way, he would address a six-digit salary-earning person).

- If you want something, want it so badly, that you will ultimately get it, by hook or crook.

- And most important of all, keep smiling/laughing. It really makes you look cute.

So, the next time you complicate things for yourself/get bogged down by dogmas, you know what to do - Go, play with a two year old !!!

ps: An added incentive of doing so - it provides the much needed content for a post - for a dry,sullen blog like this, that's swathed in eternal torpor.